Empty Decorations

I wake in the dawn to showers of light 
Moments of emptiness surround 
Floating away with auras of hope 
But reality brings me down to the ground 


What can I do ? 
What can I say? 
I need a place to hide away 
Just for a while, just for a smile 
Just for the life I used to know 


Where every song 
Was filled with words of love and not of anger 
where did they go. 
Why did they leave me far behind? 


Cause I don't wanna be alone
Living life all on my own
I don't wanna live my life in isolation 
Filled with empty decorations 


Cause i wanna be with the people that i know 
Who will do the things I do
Making all my dreams come true 


I don't recognise the shadows on my door 
Although I’ve seen them all before 
Because the only thing i really want is to be with you... 


I look at the sky, it looks back at me 
I can't hear the silent melodies 
I know that I’m here yet I am lost 
Blown in confusion by the breeze 
Hiding my face, crying alone 
I need to find my way back home 
Back to the place, the wonderful days 
Living the life I used to know 


Where every smile 
Was born out of a love and of sincerity 
And every tear of ever flowing joy 

Was it for real or just illusions?

In the middle of a dark night

I was alone thinking and awaken

Thousand miles separated

Yet so close I could feel it by side

Sitting alone I was not sure

How such feels began to develop

Or when does it is start

Because it never been meant intentionally

Or happens consciously

I am still thinking about it

Was it for real or just illusions?

No indication or solid judgement

Yet I could feel it warm and sound

In the action that suspiciously shown

With the lips sealed and no word spoken

Yet the reaction is likely to confirm

Until the little heart starts to grown

I am still thinking about it

Was it for real or just illusions?

The conscious mind starts to guess

Was it for real or just illusions?

The best assistant-part four

I received a call from best assistant last Saturday morning asking me to amend the reports. I told her that I do not have internet access and could not get into office email at home. However, she still insisted me to amend the report. At 3.50pm she texted me saying that she already sent the email to me. With hesitated heart, I go to cyber café just to open her email. She wrote in bold red ink with caps letter saying that CEO’s found mistakes in the report hence it was not appropriate. I quickly opened the attachments and found that it was not the same version that we amended before. The report has changed into something else, not only the written part, but the figures too. I noticed she change the figures and made few reclassification on the projected position as well as the 2013 budget for the full year. The funny thing is, while she busy made some changes for the full year position, which I assumed just for the sake of cosmetic while actual position does not reflect such condition, she forget to make the same changes for the October’s position. Hence, it shows an odd report, which presented October position was much higher than the full year for certain expenses. It is a silly mistake for a CFO with ACCA certificate holders with 10 years senior than me. I highlighted this mistake to her and purposely did not correct the figures.

I then move to the work plan and budget 2014 report and found she also made some changes in the figures as well as the written part. Since I am already up to the maximum, I totally ignored the written part and start casting the figures. Again I found silly mistakes which not supposed to be done by a CFO. I corrected the mistakes with the correspondence notes and start sending back the email to her. Since I replied to her email within one hour, the best assistant questioned me whether I have checked the paper thoroughly and make sure there is no mistakes in the reports. I replied, yes for the figures part as I have seen the figures more than 20 times already.

The things that I would like to highlight here was that despite having ACCA certification with 10 years seniors than me, she still do the silly mistakes, which in my view was not supposed to be done by a CFO, or to be exact, an Executive Director. I began to question myself, why did she said the mistakes comes from my colleague and I? We have amended the reports in a presented manner and gave to her last Friday with all figures tallied and correspond to each note. However, they are not the same version that she sent to us. She has changed everything and finally when she cannot reconcile the figures she blamed us and said it was not appropriate? Hello.. The version that she emailed us was not only altered, irreconcilable, I also found a silly mistakes like semicolon in a tables, negative signs in inappropriate place, notes clashes with each others, etc. Who did the version? Of course not my colleague and I. Then, who should the blame goes to? Somehow, while her pointing the blame to us, it eventually pointing to herself back. Her action has shown her incompetency of taking the role of CFO. She cannot detect a simple mistake but asked the 10 years more junior staff to do so. If the most junior staff taking the role to check and correct the reports, than a question on where is her capability in taking the role as CFO is raised? Isn’t that humiliating? Isn’t that makes people questioned her “complex intelligent”?

Things are different before. I remembered that it is hard to find a mistake, not to mention a silly mistake when my boss asked me to check the report. Normally, when my boss asked me to check, it means to cast the figures, and see the corresponding notes in line with each other. The version should be the final one without any amendment, hence that is why we call it “check”, just to make sure everything is in order.  However, it seems that “check” in the best assistant definition is totally different. She most probably meant “please re-do the report because I have screwed and mess up the report and I do not know how to rectify the mistakes”.

Today, she called me and asked me to prepare the slides on income breakdown for the coming meeting. According to her I need to show something concrete in the slides, just to please the board members. Well, I will not ask to do so by my boss if he is around. He most probably will do his own slides based on his understanding because end of the day it is the CFO whose the one will present it. After all, I gave all my workings to her and she has all the necessary information to do so. However, she still insisted me to write her the slides. Somehow, I have a doubt that she did not understand the working and do not know how to present it to the board members. Really, I cannot help myself from having this suspicious feeling. It was supposed to be the simplest thing as everything has been specified in my working. After all, she is the one who go to the business meeting around the world, so she must have an extensive knowledge about the business and their treatment. Combined these together, it should be a simple thing to her, as simple as eating peanut. So I am really wondering why she insisted me to prepare her slides. It is sound such unreasonable, right?

The best assistant-part three

Still the budget pain is not ended. I do not know how many versions does the draft have, but I am sure each time I made amendment based on the best assistant’s instruction, the draft changed into another version.  Along the way in completing the task, there were so many “intelligent” question raised. One of them was “where is the saving for forecast 2013?” Such question give me a shock; I get stunned for a while thinking how to answer the question. It has been October end, an ordinary CFO should know that at this point of time, if the budget was burst, there is no turning point, unless with God’s miracle. How could the best assistant asked for the saving whereas there are many invoices that yet to be recorded, as the business people also could not confirm and track their expenses. Everyday, new invoices surprised me, so how the saving could take place? Subhanallah.

Again in completing the budget, a question has been raised by her secretary on the risk management consultancy cost. Surprisingly the question forwarded to me to address. I have risen to the best assistant that I do not have any access to forecast for the business consultancy cost as contacts and agreements are not forwarded to me. The best assistants agreed and give her figure which in my view is based on her judgement. Apparently she asked me why the risk management consultancy is not included in the figure. A rational CFO should know that she supposed to have a basis before giving me any figure or at least that was what my boss do each time he give me a solid figure. How on earth do I know that there will be a risk management consultancy cost to be incurred if I do not have any access to the contract and agreement and information is confidential? I do not know what the motive is forwarding the question to me. Is that supposed to make me feel stupid? Or it is how the best assistant shows her “intelligence” to me?

As usual, the CEO will review the draft report. In the institution’s definition, review means, checking the statement and grammar. I received a very small handwriting in green and red asking me to change the sentence in the report. As much as I tried to read, the sentences become much weird. For the record, the handwriting was hard to read and it was much worse than my boss’s handwriting; I had to admit this. At one point, one of the colleagues said to me “who wrote this? The English is so bad” I just hold my smiles. Well at least it does not come from me.

There is one thing that I learned in these few days. Some changes based on situation. Some acting like nothing happen but take opportunity when time come. Some acted like double agent. Others are willing to please in order to survive. People adapted to the situation and changes. In my case, I find it difficult to change and adapt. I am not someone who has double face or pleased people in order to survive. I speak the truth and cannot help myself to rise when things goes wrong. In my world, black is black and white is white. Between both, there is no grey area. And based on the character that I have the chances of surviving is getting slim. Nevertheless, that is me; the character is build inside, and surely not turning to chameleon just to play safe in the institution.